DA MAD RAPPER
by McGeesJabberwock
Summary: In the stupidest story ever, the Mad Hatter becomes A RAPPER! OH NO! WILL SOMEONE SAVE US! This is really stupid and pointless and not for serious people.


**Note:** THIS FIC IS EXTREMELY STUPID. NOT FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE. AT ALL. AND THERE ARE SOME POTTY WORDS.

* * *

_The sun was shining on the sea,  
Shining with all his might:  
He did his very best to make  
The billows smooth and bright--_

The sun was shining brightly in Wonderland (and it wasn't the middle of the night). The day was beautiful, with the flowers gossiping away, and the trees blooming.

On this day, Alice had decided to take another visit to this wonderful world of...well...wonder. She'd rather go here than listen to her sister's boring lessons.Just as she decided to visit the Mad Hatter and join in another endless tea party, the march hare and dormouse approached her, on their knees.

"Don't go see the Hatter," the March Hare begged, "I BEG OF YOU!"

"HE'S GONE INSANE!" screamed the dormouse.

"He was always insane." Alice retorted.

"NO NO NO!" screamed the March Hare, "HE'S BECOME A MONSTER OF HIDEOUS PROPORTIONS"

Alice didn't really want to talk further with the March Hare; she just thought he was talking nonsense, or it was an attempt to be amusing. She walked off to see the Hatter anyway.

With that, the March Hare screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

When Alice approached the spot the Hatter usually had his tea parties, the Hatter was nowhere to be found. Just as Alice was about to look for him, when he jumped out of nowhere, but he had changed...

While he still bore his famous top hat, the rest of his wardrobe had completely changed. The Hatter was now wearing a white wife-beater, sunglasses, baggy jeans and a gold chain with the golden initals MR.

"Hello...Mad Hatter." Alice greeted.

"No, I'm now DA MAD RAPPER!" the Mad Hatter explained. All of a sudden, non-diagetic rap music filled the air and the Hatter started rapping.  
"Yo, yo, yo, baby! Time to drink some tea!"

"NO! HOW CAN THIS BE!" Alice screamed.  
"Time for a riddle  
It's answers I'm cravin'  
Why's a writin desk  
Like a raven?"

"MAKE IT STOP!"

"Yo there, Alice  
Who's standin' there  
Maybe you should go  
Cut yo' hair."

Alice couldn't take anymore of the Mad Hatter's evil raps so she ran as fast as she could, away from the rapper, but ran into none other than the Queen of Hearts.

"Hello Alice," the Queen greeted, "I am making you attend DA MAD RAPPER'S rap concert this evening. I want Wonderland to have some new music"

As she told Alice the news, Da Mad Rapper himself came up to the pair.

"Yo, yo, yo, baby, I will make Wonderland party!"

"NO I WILL NEVER ATTEND THE EVIL RAP CONCERT!" Alice protested.

"ThenI will make you eat cheese." the Queen told Alice.

"NO, NOT CHEESE!" Alice replied, "I will attend the concert."

That night, everyone in Wonderland was at the concert, which took place in the Queen of Heart's courtyard.

"NO NO NO!" the March Hare screamed, "HOW CAN THE MAD HATTER DO THIS TO US"

"Shut up." the Queen demanded.

Da Mad Rapper was on the stage, and had even brought dancing prospectors.

"Every miner 49er," the Hatter rapped,  
"And stone cold conniver  
Strike a claim on my tongue  
To pan my saliva..."

The prospectors suddenly took off their masks and costumes, revealing themselves to be women in tank tops, shorts and boots.

"Make the hos drop they clothes  
Like they Lady Godiva!"

The Hatter and his women started to dance to the rap music as the March Hare screamed and protested.

"THIS IS TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!"

As the women left the stage, Da Mad Rapper started a new rap.

"Yo tonight  
I'm here to say  
Everyone in  
Wonderland is gay!"

This line actually piqued the crowd's curiousity.

"The Mock Turtle is so gay  
All he does is cry all day  
And I hate the way he cries  
And I wish he would just die!"

With that rap, the Mock Turtle sobbed harder than ever. He never really wanted to attend this concert, he prefered 'Beautiful Soup or 'The Lobster Quadrille' to rap music any day.

"Tweedle Dee sucks  
So does Tweedle Dum  
Dee smells of wee  
And Dum is a bum!"

The Tweedle Twins immediately rushed to the Mock Turtle and started to cry as well, as the Mad Hatter insulted Wonderland's other citizens.

"Humpty Dumpty's a dumb egg,  
He has the IQ of a peg,  
I hate the Duchess and her cat,  
Her baby is a little brat,  
The chess dudes  
White and Red  
Have the intelligence  
Of bread!"

The majority of Wonderland's citizens were now extremely offended, but the Queen of Hearts was laughing her head off.

"Hee hee, he hasn't done _me_ yet," the Queen mocked, "and he _never_ will, because I am the most beloved Queen ever!"

"The Queen is the gayest  
One of all  
I can't count her  
Many flaws  
She is really  
Really fat  
She's even worse  
Than that blinkin' cat  
She is called  
The Queen of Hearts  
But she is  
The Queen of Farts  
She should listen  
To this rap  
Because she is  
A pile of..."

**"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"**

The Queen of Hearts, along with the rest of Wonderland's citizens, approached the rapper, fury and revenge burning in their eyes.

"Wonderland is so gay  
But i will  
Change that today  
With my mega  
RAPPER RAY!"

At that moment, the rapper pulled out a giant ray gun and began to zap everyone in Wonderland with it, transforming them into _RAPPERS_. The March Hare was unaffected for some strange reason.

"NO, HATTER," the March Hare screamed, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!"

"Shut up you," rapped the Queen,  
"I want you dead  
C'mon guards off  
With his head!"

"Oh no, I'm late," the White Rabbit rapped, wearing his pocket watch around his neck,  
"Look at the time  
Being late now  
Is really a crime!"

"We are flowers," sang the flowers,  
"We can talk  
But we have no feet  
So we can't walk!"

"Yo walk faster," rapped the Mock Turtle, with the Gryphon scratching records,  
"Said Whiting to Snail  
That stupid purpoise  
Tread on my tail  
Now it's time to  
Join da dance  
Where we have fun  
And we prance!"

"Da Walrus and Carpenter," rapped Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, who now wore golden chains with 'Dee' and 'Dum' in gold letters,  
"Don't like da sand  
But they ate da oysters  
As they had planned!"

"No, MAD HATTER," the March Hare continued, "You are under a spell! FIGHT IT FIGHT IT FIGHT IT!"

"Don't diss me"  
I am the best,  
So much better  
Than that Duchess!"

"Mad Hatter," the March Hare stuttered, in an attempt to bring the 'Old Hatter' back, "...I...I love you"

"Yo, what you say  
You March Hare...  
...urm...  
Who is a hare  
And not a bear!"

"I love you, Mad Hatter."

With that, the spell on the Mad Hatter was broken. His 'rapper's clothes' transformed back into his usual tuxedo, and the rest of Wonderland was cured as well.

"Thank you, March Hare." the Hatter exclaimed with glee.

"Who did that thing to you?" the March Hare questioned.

"Me." came a voice from behind the stage curtain.

From behind the curtain came a large green dragon with glowing yellow eyes, a furnace in it's stomach, sharp claws and mechanical wings and tail. It was the Jabberwock from American McGee's Alice.

"You!" yelled the March Hare, "I thought it might be you! But why!"

"Well," explained the Jabberwock, "I wanted my own game but nobody would give it to me and since everyone prefers the Mad Hatter to me for some reason, I turned him into Da Mad Rapper and was going to change him back when I got my way and you know too much so _TIME TO DIE_!"

All of a sudden, the March Hare transformed into a gigantic grey robot that resembled Optimus Prime and used a giant flamethrower to kill the Jabberwock.

Later, at the Queen's courtyard, a celebration was taking place.

"Since the March Hare saved us," the Queen announced, "I'm making him the new king"  
She turned to the Mad Hatter with glaring contempt in her expression.  
"And since the Mad Hatter made me a rapper," she continued, "he must listen to his own terrible rap music for all eternity"  
At that point, the Hatter screamed the longest 'Nooooooo' you've ever heard. I won't even attempt to reproduce it here.

The End!

* * *

OK, that sucked. Feel free to flame or MST. Oh, and the dancing prospectors bit was stolen from The Simpsons. 


End file.
